Testimony

D&C 63:2 (I always think of this scripture when I share my testimony)
Nevertheless, ye are blessed, for the testimony which ye have borne is recorded in heaven for the angels to look upon; and they rejoice over you, and your sins are forgiven you.

I bore my testimony yesterday in Sacrament meeting and I’m feeling compelled today to write it down. So, since I don’t keep a journal (bad me!) I guess it gets written here for you all to read (and a few blurkers).

Last week was a standard regular week. Nothing different happened to indicate that something deeply personal and overwhelmingly spiritual would occur. It was a normal Thursday; I got up, went to work, came home, ate dinner, ran an errand. Voila!! Done, right? Uh, no.

My errand was to drop something off at a friend’s house and get on home. I dropped off what I needed to and hung out for a little bit, but it was late so I started making my way to the door. I say “started” because anyone who knows me knows that I can carry on a “doorway conversation” for as long as you’ll let me!! :)

Our conversation was of a personal nature, but still nothing to indicate that it was about to turn into this huge spiritual moment. There was a slight pause at one point and while I stood there, a thought popped into my mind that it was the right time to share with her something that I had been wanting to tell her.

I will remember the conversation that followed as being one of the most spiritual experiences of my life. I shared my thought with my friend and she in turn shared some things with me and from that point on, I could feel the spirit in the room. It was as though as we stood there the spirit was between us and the words we spoke flowed through him to our ears, bringing with it compassion and understanding.

I’ve always known that Heavenly Father loves me, but sometimes it’s not as clear as it is at other times and I am thankful that experiences like the one I had that normal Thursday night bring back to me a remembrance. He loves each and every one of us and the hardships and trials that we have in this life can be used for our growth and make us fit for his presence.

As a closing, I'd like to share something my friend said to me in an email the next day.

“[H]ow many of the Pioneers really WERE hurt or afflicted [while out on the trail]? I wonder if any of them thought to themselves, "How can I be fit for Zion? What use will I be?" How do you think Brigham Young would have answered them? Or Heavenly Father? I think they would tell those Pioneers that every willing heart is needed in Zion, and that we all serve to the fullness of our capacity, however limited that capacity may sometimes be. So...we have a hardship that is our own, we are engaged in a battle, we fight and pray and are winning. And Heavenly Father still wants us to serve in Zion, to fellowship. When I think of that, it helps me to put aside any doubts…that Satan constantly tries to sneak into my heart.”

More fun than Pilates

I went over to Naomi’s house Friday to work on a project with her. She’s the creative genius, I’m the one that just happens to come up with a good idea every once in a while!! :-) Anyway, we had been working diligently for a while, when we finally came to a point that nothing more could be done that night, but we were both really jazzed up from the project that neither of us was ready to call it a night. I asked her if she had ever heard of the website I Can Has Cheezburger? It was all downhill from there!! The next two hours were nothing but us going over page after page of this website and laughing so hard we were crying. This was bent-over-laughing-until-you-can’t-breath-anymore laughing. Naomi looked over at me at one point and said, “Guess I won’t need to do Pilates tonight!” Part of what made it so funny may have been the late hour; we started at 11pm.

I thought about attaching some of the photos they have posted on this site, but I think it best if you go there yourself and take a look. The whole website is dedicated to pictures of animals (mostly cats) that were caught on film doing random things. Someone uploads the pic and then puts a phrase on it that they think explains what the animal is doing or thinking. To add to it, part of what you’re suppose to do is spell the phrase in “engrish” (sadly, not all of them are). It’s hard to explain what Engrish is; lots of misspelled words and swapping “L” for “R,” but in such a way that you can still understand what’s being said. Does that make any sense??? Probably not; go check out the website if you dare!! :D You’ll find out just how weird my sense of humor is!!

Also check out www.engrish.com if you want some more of my weird humor. It takes you into the world of Engrish. Countries such as Japan, China, and Korea have lots of signs, menus, instructions, etc. printed in their native language, but then have a so called English translation below it for us Americans to read. Who ever does the translating basically does it word for word from the original to English and most of the time it doesn’t come out at all like it should!! Take a look!!

Patience and Purging

Update below

I’ve been keeping mental and written notes since Bro. Harolds spoke Sunday on patience. I really only caught bits and pieces of it. I was busy making eyes at the cute boy in front of me (Stacey’s E), but what I did hear brought a lot of things to my mind. Most of the talk I kind of tuned out because it was a lot to do with having patience with your spouse and teenage kids. Not that that isn’t really good stuff, but in my world it’s a whole lot of BLAH…BLAH…BLAH! Yes, I can switch it around to fit my life and say that I need to have more patience with friends, co-workers, fellow drivers, etc., and believe me, I do need more patience. I can sometimes be the most impatient person; especially with myself.

But then he moved into different territory and spoke of different times in our lives when we need to cultivate patience. Times such as trials, adversity and plain old life in general. I’ve had my share of trials and adversity. Less than some people; more than others. God gives us what we can handle.

It’s life in general that I need the most patience for. As with probably everyone on this planet, life has not played out the way I thought it would. Not that my life isn’t great, it’s just not what I thought would happen. I read my Patriarchal Blessing and it’s sometimes hard to reconcile the words I’m reading to my life as it is now.

Want to know something funny? I always knew, from the time I was a little girl, that I was going to be in the military and that I was going to serve a mission. Read my blessing and see if you can find anything that says I will do either. You can find things that allude to a mission, sort of. Basically it says I’m “to help teach the children of our Father.” But danged if it don’t say I’ll get married and have kids!!! Go figure!

I got my PB a couple of days before my 17th birthday. I was so excited. I was a year away from graduating and wanted to know what my future life could be. Truthfully??? I couldn’t wait to read the “marriage” paragraph. Give me a break, I was 17!! After about two weeks I finally got my copy in the mail. I read the front; ok, all is good here. Flipped it over and almost immediately saw “IT!” I was so excited! What did it say??? I slowed my reading so as to savor each word, but immediately my heart sank a little.

“As you go on in life…”

“…you will meet many wonderful and great people, children of our Heavenly Father, and there will be one who will be reserved out, a chosen young man, who will be honorable and will be just and true and faithful, and will desire to take you into the temple of the Lord to be sealed for time and all eternity.”

That’s not the entire paragraph. There’s one more sentence, that’s just about as long, telling me to keep the commandments and if I do, I “may” get married and have kids. For years I couldn’t get past the “As you go on in life…” part. Deep down I always knew it meant that I would be old before I got married, but I’ve lived in denial of that for the past 18 years! LOL

I know this post is wandering a bit. I’m not sure it has a set course. I’m just purging the thoughts that plague my mind on occasion by typing them out for you to read (lucky you). You’ll think I’m funny, but I’ve been typing for about a week now! Yes, I type faster than one paragraph a day, but if you could see all the stuff that’s been added or deleted, you’d surely know how crazy I am.

I’m not bitter about my life, but to be completely honest, I do sometimes get a little envious of some of my friends. Not because I think they have better lives than me; by no means am I naïve enough to believe that marriage and kids is blissful 24/7, but there are things I miss out on by being single. Two things in particular come to mind:

1) A built in best friend. One that you can reach over and wake up when you’ve had a nightmare or just be comforted by the fact that he’s there close by. Someone to talk to. Someone you trust. Someone to read scriptures and pray with. Someone to sit next to in the Celestial Room. Someone to have babies with. Someone to cleave unto.

2) A mother’s love. I’m not sure I know or understand how to explain this one. Every Sunday I sit behind this family and I watch their interactions; sibling to sibling, parent to child, child to parent, spouse to spouse and I am in awe of the love that I am witness to. The mother is so loving with her touch and her words. You can tell that she has a profoundly deep understanding of what her role is as a mother and wife. She has gentle hands and loving eyes. The way her children respond to it makes my heart ache with wishes and longings to have the same thing. I hope for the day that I can, like this mother, begin to understand the love that Heavenly Father has for us.

I’m not sure I was able to explain my two things sufficiently, but words are hard to come by when feelings are what you are trying to convey.

I am blessed in my life. I’m blessed with good friends and in case it didn’t come across, I really enjoy my life.

Okay, I think that’s it for now. Purge complete. :-)

I've had a couple of friends say something along the lines of, men in the church have fallen down on the job. I appreciate what they are saying, but I would like you to know that I don't blame the men. I truly believe that if I were suppose to be married, I would be. As my Christian friend at work would say, "It's a God thing." I really believe it is. I believe that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I just wish I knew what it was. All I know is that for most of my adult life the callings I've held the most have been in Primary and now Nursery. Maybe His "plan" is to laugh at me!! LOL Most days I laugh with Him!

The Three Amigos

Happy, happy birthday Naomi dear.
Happy days will come to you all year.
If I had one wish, then it would be,
a happy, happy birthday to you from me!!

Stacey and I took Naomi to Johnny Carino's for her birthday. We had a blast!!

Naomi, you are awesome!! I love you and hope we are friends for a really long time!! One day I hope to be able to apply some of the Mom Skillz I've learned from you. Oh yes, I've been watching and learning. Don't get freaked out, I wasn't lurking outside your windows or anything (Stacey would call it being "stalker-ish" hehehe).

There's lots of other things I'm feeling right now, but words aren't adequate. I hope our mansions in heaven are close by so we can visit often. Granted, you and Stacey's will be up in the northwest and I'll be down here, but heavenly travel will be quick and easy. I'll just close my eyes, think of you and *POOF*, there I am on your doorstep with a lemon cake!

WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY - with an unexpected invite to dinner

Birthday celebrations started the night before. Robb and Stacey celebrated their 15th wedding anniversary on the 16th and I volunteered to watch the kids while they went out to dinner. The kids sang to me while I blew out the candles on my pan of birthday brownies! I couldn't have asked for a better start to my birthday!!!

My friend Gwen took me to dinner and a movie. We went to see Under The Same Moon (La Misma Luna) and I loved it. I totally recommend it, but beware it's in Spanish with English subtitles. I would love to tell you about it, but I really suck at trying to explain stories from movies or books. That's why I linked to it so can go check it out for yourself. Gwen is the best!!

During the movie, Stacey dropped off a cute little bag with the most perfect goodies in it. Several vanilla scented items. I LOVE VANILLA! It is my absolute favorite scent!! I can't decide if I somehow inadvertently mentioned that I love vanilla or that she's just seriously psychic. I'm leaning towards psychic since I can't recall ever having a "what's your favorite scent" conversation with her.

Also while I was in the movie, my brother Houston called to wish me happy birthday. I have to tell you that had I been the one driving, I probably would have driven off the road when I heard the message. It's been around two years since I've seen or spoken to him. Not because of anything bad that happened between us, just that we live such different lives. He has a lot of self inflicted problems that have estranged him from the family. He and my brother Beaumont don't get along at all! Anyway, he called to ask if I would like to go to dinner with him. Honestly? I didn't want to. These self inflicted problems have shaped him into a person that I don't like to be around and the thought of having to interact with him for an extended period of time was making me feel sick to my stomach. I said yes because even though I don't like him, he's my brother and I love him very much. I'm glad I did. We had an enjoyable dinner. He even had a present for me!! (I'm not convinced I wasn't in some sort of Twilight Zone episode)

It was a truly wonderful birthday!!

Sunday Conference

Today's sessions were awesome! As this weekend has progressed so has my testimony. I agree with President Monson when he said the spirit was strong and all who attended would never forget it. It felt historic to me. Long after I forget what each speaker spoke of, I will carry with me the warm and peaceful feelings of the spirit I felt today.

Each time a speaker would talk about President Monson and relate stories of his service, I would again and again feel a wonderful spirit come over me. President Monson is the prophet for this time and I am thankful to my Heavenly Father for this knowledge and for the increase in my testimony. I am so thankful to be a member of God's kingdom on this earth and to be led by Prophets and Apostles who hold the keys of the Priesthood (Amos 3:7).

We had the Adame and Nerdin family over to watch with us. I really enjoy having friends and loved ones around for conference. Arlene, Amber and myself put together what I think was a wonderful lunch last night. Amber made her famous cookies, Arlene put together a huge lasagna and I prepped the garlic bread. All we had to do was pop the lasagna into the oven at the halfway point, the bread just after the end of the morning session and voila, lunch was served. Thank you to the Adame's and Nerdin's for making it a wonderful Sabbath.

Saturday Conference

I always love Saturday conference and the reason why will sound funny to you. I love it when they go through and discuss the business of the church; membership, number of wards, stakes, temples, etc. I always get a bit of a thrill when I hear how much the church has grown in the past year.

It was especially thrilling to be part, even at home, of the Solemn Assembly and to stand, raise my arm to the square and sustain President Thomas S. Monson as President of the Church, President Henry B. Eyring as First Counselor and Dieter F. Uchtdorf as Second Counselor. I always feel the spirit when I get to do this, but this morning it was very powerful for me.

The gospel is true!!

Good Friday was Great Friday

For two reasons -

1. Mindless Entertainment - It’s a term my family uses to describe sitting on the couch for hours on end watching stupid TV or movies because we’re too lazy to do anything else, but lately I’ve found a more positive use for the term.

I love the manual labor involved in refinishing a piece of furniture. It really is mindless entertainment for me. I strap on a sexy face mask and clip my hair back out of my face (should have taken a picture of that!!), attach the sandpaper to the power sander and off I go.

It took me about 4 hours to sand the two legs, the cross beam and the table top and the whole time I thought of nothing that had been troubling me for the past week. I don’t think I thought of anything except how nice the wood looked underneath the old varnish.

The table is Arlene Love’s dining room table.

2. Baby sitting – I use that term loosely since out of the 4 kids only one was a baby. I got to hang out with the Nerdin kids while their parents went and got us dinner – I mean, went on a date. Those are some awesome kids.

When I was a kid I used to look at families in the ward and say, “When I grow up I want my family to be like their’s.” As an adult I’ve looked at families and said, “If I ever grow up, I want my family to be like their’s.” The latest in the line of families I would love to emulate? Three guesses and the first two don’t count!

Mathews - Party of One

CAUTION: This blog entry starts off ok, but quickly plunges into somewhat personal territory. I posted it so obviously I don’t mind you reading it; I just wanted to make you aware that this week my emotions took a dip in the deep end of the pity pool. Please put your floaties on before jumping in.

She had been forced into prudence in her youth; she learned romance as she grew older: the natural sequel of an unnatural beginning. Persuasion - Chapter 4

I finished reading Persuasion the other day. Have you ever read a book and at the end felt sad that it was over? That's how I feel about Persuasion; I never want it to end. It's one of the very few books that I can read over and over again. Come to think of it, Jane Austen's books are the only one's I've ever wanted to read multiple times. The story of Anne Elliot grabs me and won’t let go. Probably because I can identify with being an old maid; Anne was seven-and-twenty when Captain Wentworth finally came to his senses. And while I am not yet five-and-thirty I feel the weight of it. Much like Anne who lived in a society that pushed marriage as the means of a woman “making her way”, I live in a society (religious) where I exist in a state of limbo. Both of us looked at as having something wrong with us because of our age and marital status. Don’t get me wrong, both Anne and I are loved by our friends and family (both families being seriously dysfunctional), but our “societies” views are a lot less forgiving.

Unlike Anne though, I do not have a Captain Wentworth who’s living with his sister and brother-in-law in my old home just a few miles up the road.

Entering pity pool -
Here’s something to chew on and something that bothers me when I think about it: I have never loved before. I love my mother; I love my friends but I’ve never even had a serious crush that I thought was love. If you’ve read my blog in the past week or so, you’ll have read that I was engaged once. Now obviously you would think that being engaged would require some feelings that could be (mis)construed as love; love, lust, infatuation, etc. You would think so, but no. Why did I engage myself to him? Good question. No answer.

Sharp drop into deep end -
I think my mom thinks I’m gay. She actually came up and asked me one day! Maybe it’s a defense mechanism for her to try and figure out why her only daughter has never married and produced grand children for her. (The same question could be applied to my brothers who’ve never married and produced grand children, but then again, they tend to sleep around with all kinds of women, and so answers their sexual preference.) When telling her about my previous relationships and broken engagement, she asked me why they didn’t work. Part of my answer to her was that I didn’t like holding their hand. Sounds like a funny little answer but it was how I felt (I have physical contact issues). I wish I’d never told her. She’s never meant to be malicious, but there have been times that she’s said it back to me in a sarcastic manner and even once said it in mixed company. It was quite humiliating. She once made a comment that went something like this, “I’m never going to have grand children.” I screamed at her to shut up and leave me alone. That went over well! Since then we’ve been in what you would call a truce; we ignore and step around the issue. Very healthy!!

Climbing out and drying off -
That was over 12 years ago. Feels like a lifetime. I hope my post doesn’t sound angry. If anything its disappointment with a tinge of fear that I feel. Disappointment that no matter how “normal” my life sounds when read in my patriarchal blessing, it hasn’t played out that way. Fear that I’ve done something to rewrite my life and that my patriarchal blessing is null and void.

So there you go; what I’ve been thinking about for the past week. For anyone who noticed that I hadn’t posted since last Monday, here’s the reason.

Stacey – Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! - for inviting me over Sunday. I was in the deep end of the pool and your invitation was the hand that helped me out and handed me a towel.

You asked for it...

Ok, fine! I'll post a picture of myself. Just let it be noted that I'm kicking and screaming like a two year old who's mother won't buy her a piece of candy in the checkout line at Wal-Mart!! The pic was taken back in June while I was visiting my friend Elaine in Ireland. She's the one on the right and her mother Nancy is in the middle. Nancy had just treated us to dinner at the really nice Lady Gregory Hotel there in Gort (pic of Gort top right of page). It kinda drives me crazy that the pic isn't centered but then again it does cut off a good portion of me!! :-) So there you go!