Thursday, April 24, 2008

Patience and Purging

Update below

I’ve been keeping mental and written notes since Bro. Harolds spoke Sunday on patience. I really only caught bits and pieces of it. I was busy making eyes at the cute boy in front of me (Stacey’s E), but what I did hear brought a lot of things to my mind. Most of the talk I kind of tuned out because it was a lot to do with having patience with your spouse and teenage kids. Not that that isn’t really good stuff, but in my world it’s a whole lot of BLAH…BLAH…BLAH! Yes, I can switch it around to fit my life and say that I need to have more patience with friends, co-workers, fellow drivers, etc., and believe me, I do need more patience. I can sometimes be the most impatient person; especially with myself.

But then he moved into different territory and spoke of different times in our lives when we need to cultivate patience. Times such as trials, adversity and plain old life in general. I’ve had my share of trials and adversity. Less than some people; more than others. God gives us what we can handle.

It’s life in general that I need the most patience for. As with probably everyone on this planet, life has not played out the way I thought it would. Not that my life isn’t great, it’s just not what I thought would happen. I read my Patriarchal Blessing and it’s sometimes hard to reconcile the words I’m reading to my life as it is now.

Want to know something funny? I always knew, from the time I was a little girl, that I was going to be in the military and that I was going to serve a mission. Read my blessing and see if you can find anything that says I will do either. You can find things that allude to a mission, sort of. Basically it says I’m “to help teach the children of our Father.” But danged if it don’t say I’ll get married and have kids!!! Go figure!

I got my PB a couple of days before my 17th birthday. I was so excited. I was a year away from graduating and wanted to know what my future life could be. Truthfully??? I couldn’t wait to read the “marriage” paragraph. Give me a break, I was 17!! After about two weeks I finally got my copy in the mail. I read the front; ok, all is good here. Flipped it over and almost immediately saw “IT!” I was so excited! What did it say??? I slowed my reading so as to savor each word, but immediately my heart sank a little.

“As you go on in life…”

“…you will meet many wonderful and great people, children of our Heavenly Father, and there will be one who will be reserved out, a chosen young man, who will be honorable and will be just and true and faithful, and will desire to take you into the temple of the Lord to be sealed for time and all eternity.”

That’s not the entire paragraph. There’s one more sentence, that’s just about as long, telling me to keep the commandments and if I do, I “may” get married and have kids. For years I couldn’t get past the “As you go on in life…” part. Deep down I always knew it meant that I would be old before I got married, but I’ve lived in denial of that for the past 18 years! LOL

I know this post is wandering a bit. I’m not sure it has a set course. I’m just purging the thoughts that plague my mind on occasion by typing them out for you to read (lucky you). You’ll think I’m funny, but I’ve been typing for about a week now! Yes, I type faster than one paragraph a day, but if you could see all the stuff that’s been added or deleted, you’d surely know how crazy I am.

I’m not bitter about my life, but to be completely honest, I do sometimes get a little envious of some of my friends. Not because I think they have better lives than me; by no means am I naïve enough to believe that marriage and kids is blissful 24/7, but there are things I miss out on by being single. Two things in particular come to mind:

1) A built in best friend. One that you can reach over and wake up when you’ve had a nightmare or just be comforted by the fact that he’s there close by. Someone to talk to. Someone you trust. Someone to read scriptures and pray with. Someone to sit next to in the Celestial Room. Someone to have babies with. Someone to cleave unto.

2) A mother’s love. I’m not sure I know or understand how to explain this one. Every Sunday I sit behind this family and I watch their interactions; sibling to sibling, parent to child, child to parent, spouse to spouse and I am in awe of the love that I am witness to. The mother is so loving with her touch and her words. You can tell that she has a profoundly deep understanding of what her role is as a mother and wife. She has gentle hands and loving eyes. The way her children respond to it makes my heart ache with wishes and longings to have the same thing. I hope for the day that I can, like this mother, begin to understand the love that Heavenly Father has for us.

I’m not sure I was able to explain my two things sufficiently, but words are hard to come by when feelings are what you are trying to convey.

I am blessed in my life. I’m blessed with good friends and in case it didn’t come across, I really enjoy my life.

Okay, I think that’s it for now. Purge complete. :-)

I've had a couple of friends say something along the lines of, men in the church have fallen down on the job. I appreciate what they are saying, but I would like you to know that I don't blame the men. I truly believe that if I were suppose to be married, I would be. As my Christian friend at work would say, "It's a God thing." I really believe it is. I believe that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I just wish I knew what it was. All I know is that for most of my adult life the callings I've held the most have been in Primary and now Nursery. Maybe His "plan" is to laugh at me!! LOL Most days I laugh with Him!


Naomi said...

I'll be bitter for you. jk. I believe that the men have really fallen down on the job. I have many emotional thoughts about this post. too many for a comment box. I'll gather my thoughts then write you back...Oh by the by I have a warning in my PB. Kind of a wo. That's a story for spoken words, I think...
have a good day.

We still on for Friday night?I'll bring the snow suits and extra clothes. 18 pairs of garments,72 socks, 30 pants, 7 bras.hahaha sorry we were being serious.

Jen said...

Just wanted to leave a quick "I love you", in case you don't hear it enough!

Kathie said...

I completely understand your purging. My PB is similar - "At the appropriate time in your life...." I've decided that better come soon or I will be too old to get married. :)
Love ya so.

Heather said...

I am so with Naomi on this one and don't even get me started about men in the church. They are there but I swear girl - it's like finding a needle in a haystack. Not to worry though I know for a fact that a few really awesome ones are around and are just late bloomers/shy. I've already seen it happen to several other recently! Just to add, you're going to be a great mom - the little ones in nursery love you!